Real Men Don't Stuff Their Emotions

I’m a dude who will probably be asked to turn in his Man Card after this, but most of us men are frauds.

We were taught by our dads, who were taught by their dads, and so on, to act like nothing bothers us. We were told, “If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about” and various other BS lines about emotions that have been passed along through the centuries. However, the fact is we sometimes cry because we’re humans who experience emotions…but we hide it from others out of shame because that’s how we were taught by dads and society.

I’ve worked with men coming out of prisons – tatted and muscled up, acting like their physical strength can topple their emotional pain. Typically, the ones who spend most of their time trying to prove their manhood via physical strength are actually the weakest emotionally. Dad hurt plays a huge role. Mom hurt does, too.

I’m in a group at Lifepoint Church in Portsmouth with the pastor and about 20 other guys I don’t yet know very well. We’re studying a book by John Eldredge titled “Wild at Heart.” A section of the book is about “Dad hurt” and there is an accompanying video (which is available on YouTube). When we watched the video, I felt arrows hitting my heart. As a mental health counselor, I’ve had many clients who struggle with dad hurt. In those instances, I’d always express empathy (because I totally understood) but add some variation of, “The past is the past. You can’t change it.”

But on this day, I acted on advice I’ve hypocritically given to clients for years: I actually spoke about my feelings. And I cried like a four-year-old, heaving at times. I was the oldest man in the room, bawling like a child. In the past, I wouldn’t have talked at all. My pride wouldn’t have let me.

As it turned out, the advice I’ve given others for years to let it out was FREEING. Too bad I didn’t follow it earlier.

In the U.S., the highest suicide rate is by elderly men. I’m totally convinced this is because they were taught to “choke down” their emotions, never sharing their struggles with others. The PRIDE lie. They were taught that to admit struggle is to say you are weak. So, with no outlet for their emotions, they turn to anger, which they view as acceptable and push everyone they love out of their lives.

Then, when the damage they’ve done settles in, they find they are alone and take themselves out.

The consequence of this false pride flows to our sons (and indirectly to our daughters). The cycle continues. And all of this is because we’re afraid of being seen as weak by people who are also weak, but act like they are strong.

Take my Man Card. But you can’t call me a liar.