Stop Acting Like a 7-Year-Old

I’ve taught anger management skills for 17 years and boiled the basics down to four very easy steps.

STEP ONE: SHUT UP!!

That’s right.

SHUT UP!!

When you realize you’re mad, SHUT UP!!

When your face gets hot, you start shaking, and your heart is beating out of your chest…SHUT UP!!

You’ll calm down later. You always do. Anger always goes away.

STEP TWO: Take deep breaths

Deep breaths (breathe all the way in, hold for eight seconds, release, repeat) aren’t a magical cure. BUT they accomplish two very important things: They slow your heart rate and give you time to think. (NOTE: Please see the JUST THINK article on Scarletude). As your heart rate calms, so will you. As you think things through, you’ll give yourself a better chance to respond instead of simply reacting out of habit.

STEP THREE: What comes next?

After shutting yourself up and calming yourself down with deep breaths, ask What Comes Next? What I mean is, what comes next if you do or say what you are thinking about doing or saying? You likely have a lot of experience in your history that will tell you exactly what is coming next. Forecast consequences. Resist the urge to act on impulse. Then,

STEP FOUR: Is it worth it?

Immediately ask yourself this question after you’ve asked yourself what comes next. The answer to Is It Worth It is always no, but it’s worth asking to remind yourself that consequences are coming and you’re smarter than your impulses.

Other things to remember when you are angry:

Anger ALWAYS goes away. It will this time, too. Just give it time to leave.

You control the switch. Nobody can make you mad without your permission. You’re not angry about what somebody said, did, or didn’t say or do. You’re mad at your PERCEPTION of those things. Others do not have the power to make you angry. Only you can do that.

Remember that you always overreact when you’re mad. Every single time. Then you calm down and think, “Why did I say that? Why did I break that? Why do I keep doing these same things over and over again?” It’s because you overreact! And you know it. You also know you’re going to feel shame and guilt later…unless you SHUT UP!!

When we show anger, many times we believe we are showing strength. But we are actually showing weakness. We are displaying to others our inability to manage certain situations…our weaknesses. Name a guy you know who intentionally shows his weaknesses to others. Yet, that’s what you’re doing when you blow up.

Anger is a signal, like the check engine light on the dashboard of your vehicle. It is trying to tell you to identify a problem. But instead, many people decided to drive through the garage door. Now they have two problems. And the check engine light is still on, begging you to investigate where the real issue is.

I associate anger with getting high on drugs. It feels good in the moment and…YOLO…who cares about consequences? Future you, that’s who. Anger will destroy your life as quickly as heroin or meth if you don’t stop injecting it into your veins.

The next time you say, “He (or she) pissed me off,” correct yourself with the truth. That person didn’t piss you off. YOU DID. BY CHOICE.